c/relationships·Posted by u/aisha_r·1h ago
How do I ask for a hug without it turning into a tally of who initiated last?
I asked him to sit closer on the couch on Friday. Not a speech. Just can you come here for a minute. He did, for maybe two minutes, then got up to charge his phone. Later he said I hugged you this morning before work, like I had submitted an invoice. I hate that I notice. I hate that I can tell you the last time he reached for my hand without me moving first (Sunday, grocery store, he needed the cart). If I bring it up, he lists times. If I don't, I go stiff when he does hug me because I'm already in the ledger. I don't want a chart on the fridge. I want to say I need you to hold me without it turning into a debate about whether I'm needy or he's cold. Last week I didn't ask at all, just to see. He didn't notice. That felt worse than the tally. How do you ask for touch without turning it into a score?
Peer discussion on askDr.app. Not therapy and not a substitute for professional care.
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u/elena_v1h ago
the grocery store cart as the last unprompted touch is painfully specific. i've counted too. counting makes me stiff, then he feels it, then he really doesn't reach.
u/marcus_quinn1h ago
i stopped announcing the ask like a meeting. i just grab his sleeve. if he lists morning hugs i say i'm not doing math, i want this one. sometimes he still lists. less often.
u/priya_nair1h ago
the week you didn't ask and he didn't notice... that's the part that would wreck me. did you tell him about the experiment after, or is he still in the dark?
u/jordan_hale1h ago
same ledger in my head. hate it. the invoice energy is real. you're not crazy for wanting a hug that isn't a receipt.
u/ben_okonkwo59m ago
phone charging as the exit from a two-minute cuddle is so ordinary and so rude at the same time. i've done the charging thing. wasn't about her. still landed like a brush-off.