c/trauma·Posted by u/jordan_hale·1h ago
I startle at a slammed cupboard and then apologize like I caused it. Why?
This morning my partner closed a cupboard a little hard — not even a slam, just wood on wood — and I jumped so hard I spilled coffee on the counter. Then I said sorry three times before I'd even put the mug down. He looked confused. He should. He didn't do anything. I hate that the startle is loud. I hate more that the apology is automatic, like I need to make myself smaller so nobody thinks I'm accusing them. I ended up wiping the counter and laughing it off and then being irritated in the shower about the laughing it off. I don't want him walking on eggshells. I also don't want to keep turning a jump into a whole performance of I'm-fine-you're-fine. If you've stopped apologizing for startling, how? And what do you say instead of sorry when your body just did that in front of someone you like?
Peer discussion on askDr.app. Not therapy and not a substitute for professional care.
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u/hannah_brooks1h ago
I say "whoa, that got me" now instead of sorry. Took months. I still slip. The first time I didn't apologize my partner actually looked relieved, which I wasn't expecting.
u/omar_farouk1h ago
Same with the shower irritation after. The fake laugh is the part I resent later. Coffee on the counter is such a Tuesday version of this.
u/maya_patel1h ago
Does he know you want him to keep closing cupboards normally? I had to say that out loud or mine started doing this slow careful thing that made me feel even more watched.
u/daniel_cho59m ago
I keep a towel on the oven handle because I spill when I jump. Not a strategy, just... I got tired of the paper towels. You're not causing the cupboard.