c/relationships·Posted by u/daniel_cho·1h ago
I always apologize first even when I don't think I started it. How do I stop?
We argued Tuesday about me being late to her coworker's birthday drinks. Traffic. I texted. She was already there, already annoyed. At home she said I always make her wait in rooms full of people she barely knows. I said the 6 train stalled. Then I heard my own voice say I'm sorry, I'll leave earlier next time. I wasn't even sure I was wrong. I was sorry she felt stranded. Those aren't the same thing, but in my mouth they collapse. She cools down after I apologize. If I wait, the apartment stays cold overnight and I sleep badly, so I pay the toll. The pattern is old. Last relationship too. I can feel the apology forming while we're still in the middle of the actual point. By Thursday I had apologized for the train, for my tone, and for making it about me when I tried to explain. She hadn't apologized for anything. Maybe she didn't need to. I can't tell anymore. If I stop going first, do things just stay broken longer?
Peer discussion on askDr.app. Not therapy and not a substitute for professional care.
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u/nora_klein1h ago
apologizing for the 6 train is wild and i've done the cousin of it. i said sorry for rain once. she accepted it. that should have been a clue.
u/theo_ramirez1h ago
i started splitting it: sorry you felt stuck there vs sorry i exist in traffic. still apologize a lot. at least the second one happens less.
u/jade_c59m ago
if you don't go first, does she ever come find you the next morning, or is the cold apartment the whole move? that's what i'd want to know before i tried waiting.
u/ravi_kapoor58m ago
the apology forming while you're still making the actual point... i can feel that in my throat. you're not weak for hating the overnight freeze. that freeze is expensive.