c/relationships·Posted by u/jade_c·1h ago
How do we talk about sex when we both get defensive in the first two minutes?
I tried on Sunday morning, which I thought was a calm window. I said I miss when we used to take our time, not just Saturday night if neither of us is exhausted. He sat up and said so I'm not enough lately. That wasn't the sentence I said. Then I got sharp and said he never wants to talk about it unless he's in the mood, which also wasn't fair. We both went to our corners. He took a shower. I made too much coffee. By noon we were discussing whether I had kept a record. I do notice the gaps. Noticing isn't the same as keeping a record, but I can see how it sounded. I don't want a performance review. I don't want to pretend it's fine either. The last time it was good we didn't talk after, we just fell asleep, and I wish we could get back to that without a committee meeting. But silence isn't getting us there. How do you bring it up without both people putting on armor?
Peer discussion on askDr.app. Not therapy and not a substitute for professional care.
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u/sam_whitaker1h ago
so i'm not enough lately as a translation of i miss taking our time — my husband does that too. the sentence mutates in the air. then i'm defending a record i didn't know i kept.
u/nora_klein1h ago
sunday morning felt like a calm window and it still blew up. we talk during a walk now, not in bed, not after. less armor because nobody's already taking score.
u/theo_ramirez1h ago
too much coffee after the shower-and-corners thing. been there. did he come back to the actual miss, or only to the kept a record accusation?
u/ravi_kapoor59m ago
we used a stupidly specific ask: one night this week, no phones, no rushing. not a performance review. it still felt awkward. less of a committee than the sunday speech.
u/emma_fraser58m ago
falling asleep after it was good and wanting that back without a meeting... yeah. silence didn't work for us either. you're allowed to miss the unhurried version without putting him on trial.