c/relationships·Posted by u/hannah_brooks·1h ago
How do I set a boundary with my in-laws without making my partner pick a side?
His mom calls on Sundays and stays on for an hour. That's fine. What isn't fine is her dropping by on weeknights with leftover soup and then walking through our bedroom to see if we need anything folded. I told her last month we need a text first. She laughed and said I'm his mother, not a delivery driver. He stood there stirring pasta and didn't say anything. After she left I asked him to back me up next time. He said he doesn't want to hurt her and that I'm making it a bigger deal than it is. I'm not trying to cut her off. I don't want a surprise person in my bedroom on a Wednesday while I'm in sweatpants. If I push, I become the daughter-in-law who came between them. If I don't, I start dreading the doorbell. He loves her. I get that. I need him to love the apartment being ours too. Has anyone found a line that didn't turn into me or your mom?
Peer discussion on askDr.app. Not therapy and not a substitute for professional care.
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u/daniel_cho1h ago
walking through the bedroom with soup to fold laundry would make me lose it. that's not a sunday call, that's a key to the house she doesn't have, except she acts like she does.
u/maya_patel1h ago
we set a group text: text before you come. i sent it, he added please. one word from him changed the air. she still tests it. she doesn't walk into the bedroom now.
u/chris_moretti1h ago
stirring pasta while she laughed off your text-first request... that's the part i'd be stuck on, not the soup. does he get why the bedroom is different from leftover containers?
u/omar_farouk58m ago
i'm the son in my version. i hated picking. what helped wasn't a speech. i met my mom downstairs twice. dumb compromise. my partner stopped dreading the doorbell.