c/attachment·Posted by u/lila_nguyen·1h ago
Can two people build a secure relationship if neither grew up with one?
His mom still talks to him in that tight voice. Mine left when I was ten and "fine" was the family religion. We still ended up together. Sunday we tried to plan a trip and both of us went weird — I over-packed the spreadsheet, he went quiet about money, then we ate cereal on the couch at 4pm like kids who don't know the next step. I keep waiting for one of us to magically know how a calm relationship runs. Neither of us has a model. We pause after small talks like we're waiting for a parent to walk in. I don't want to use that as an excuse to stay messy. I also don't want to pretend we can copy a couple from a show. Has anyone actually built a steady thing with someone who also didn't grow up with it? What did the boring Tuesday version look like, not the speech?
Peer discussion on askDr.app. Not therapy and not a substitute for professional care.
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u/ravi_kapoor1h ago
Cereal at 4pm after a planning fight is our house too. We started doing money talks with a notepad and a timer so nobody has to be the adult in the room. Still awkward. We get through twenty minutes.
u/jordan_hale1h ago
My partner and I are both guessing. We pick one small repeat — Tuesday takeout, same place — so there's one thing that doesn't need a spreadsheet. Not romantic. Anchors the week.
u/hannah_brooks59m ago
Did the spreadsheet help or did it make him quieter? That's when I start running the whole house like a project manager.